this isn't good

It's midnight, I can't sleep because I ran out of Valium.

Antihistamines are a close second to my choice of downer, but I ran out of those too. (For some reason I've developed an allergy to ibuprofen.)

So here I am, surfing manilatonight.com.

Pathetic, isn't it.

What's more pathetic is that I realized I'm not as ballsy as I was in college. I can't work up the nerve to post anything on the personals.

How's about a trip down memory lane?

An ex (not my daughter's father) tried to woo me back, unfortunately (for both of us) we had already committed ourselves to people we'd eventually discover to be absolutely awful human beings. I couldn't just turn him away completely, because I knew, more than anything, he needed a friend to help him through a particularly rough patch, and we had a pretty solid friendship, too. I resorted to being distant, then cold, then being an absolute bitch and picking fights over the most mundane things. One day I just totally held myself back and disappeared. It wasn't easy: he'd call my cell several times in an hour, every hour, my landline at home and in the office. I'd see new messages in my IM and email everyday, asking me what I've been up to, why I haven't been returning his calls, and pretty much begging me to please give him a chance.

I told him: I can't do that. We're both married. We can be friends, just like how we were.

He said: I don't care if we're married. I love you. I know you have a husband and that you'll always love him more than you'll love me. I can accept that, but I don't want to lose you again. (Ugh. I can't believe I'm writing this.)

Me: What? You'll be ok with just being some guy I'll see on the sly and coming in second or third or last in my priorities? How can you want that? (I am so effing unromantic.)

Him: Because being last in your priorities is better than being first in hers.

That almost did it. Almost. I told him, No.

Somebody kick me now.