!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&*()

I am BROKE.

And I thought I had saved up enough for the rainy days. Turns out, I had already spent for it. Over the summer.

And that louse of an ex-husband...Jesus, don't let me get started again.

Gah.

Another one of Cat's recent misadventures in dating

I will not glorify this email with a reply.

But I will immortalize it with a blog entry. Heh.

Saturday morning, I was SMSd:

"Sory for the urgent decision bt please cme nd join my civil weddng. Few r nvited. Venue @ highlands,june31 @ 4pm. I'l be xpecting u 2 come. ;)"

I found it hilarious...June only has 30 days. I forwarded it to as many as twenty people, including this guy I was seeing. (Same a-hole who dumped me a few months back, see archives.) He replied that he'll "disappear into the shadows from whence I came."

To which I answered, Er, it was a joke, Baby.

Fast forward to today, Tuesday. In my inbox:

I've told you before that I keep you at such close range that there is no space for bullshit filters, and very little even for masks. Then you send me that BS about your upcoming marriage, and of course I swallowed it hook line and sinker - now I find that you too would casually crap on me? (There's an ocean of difference between a joke and BS. -Cat) Again?

Whom then can I trust? If not my few friends?

You know that I must go once you are married or otherwise attached, and that is the only correct course for myself, who is not allowed to offer you what you most desire. (Senti portion here, deleted.- Cat)

I have paid such a price before, and I had already sensed the potential costs to me when I first met you - therefore I do not raise protest at this, my inevitable bleeding.

But to think that you had bled me for the equivalent of a few cheap words and a quick laugh is such agony. I actually hope that this particular BS was a calculated and necessary move on your part to signal to me that my time is up, a clear road sign that even a teenage male gorilla can understand?

I do not think I have it in me to risk hemorrhaging again, especially with this timing you have chosen, when work and duties press down especially heavy upon me, these past few weeks. All night last night I lay in fever from lack of sleep, and towards dawn I decided that the only polite thing for me to do was to write you some notes from my perspective.

And I do not think I have it in me to risk hemorrhaging again, so soon, with all these signs I have seen and sensed regarding your passing, that even I cannot miss. (Signs-signs ka dyan. Tadew. Mga kasinungalingan mo pinalampas ko lang. 'Kala mo di ko alam tungkol dun kay ano tsaka ano? -Cat)

It will suffice for me if you merely acknowledge this note, perhaps briefly apologise for your prank (calculated/necessary or not - no need to explain), and I will henceforth stay my words both spoken and written, and completely melt away (ano ka, keso? -Cat) into the shadows from whence I came, deleting, denying, and discarding this and other notes and memories, staunching the bleeding, and taking some small comfort in knowing that at least I bleed but once.

(Name withheld because of a-holish behavior)
27 June 2006

keys me

very entertaining!!!

Lovesick...

If You Forget Me
Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire the impalpable ash,
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists - aromas, light, metals
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day, at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But,
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me
ahh my love, ahh my own,
in me all that fire is repeated
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten
My love feeds on your love, beloved
And as long as you live, it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Grrrr...

Why, oh why, do I fall for men I can never have completely?

Big little brother

Proof that my parents love my younger brother more than they do me:


Kidding. Just a healthy dose of sibling rivalry.

Congratulations, Kid! The world's opening up to you...and soon, I guess, quite a few ladies' legs!